| Announcer: | First there was Star Trek, then Star Trek: the Motion Picture, Star Trek:
the Wrath of Kahn,
Star Trek: The Search for Spock, Star Trek: The Voyage Home, Star Trek: The Final
Frontier, Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country, Star Trek: The Next Generation: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Generations,
Star Trek: Voyager, Star Trek: Space Debris, Star Trek: Lost in Space-Dock Now Paramount Pictures brings you... Star Trek: Fell Hall 231 created by people whose parents knew who Gene Roddenbury was. |
|
(light up. We see a white sexist male, a white sensitive bald male, a black non-descript
male, and a white take-charge female. All are sitting in desk chairs, except the
black male, who is pacing around in a non-descript way) (All other characters are
read by a couple of actors from off stage or side stage as if they were communicating
over the com, except as noted) (sound of someone going "bwoop, bwoop, bwoop" All stagger as if ship had been struck) | |
| Kirk: | Red alert. We're under Klingon attack. |
| Picard: | Ridiculous. They're part of the Federation. It must be the Romulans |
| Cisco: | Not in this part of campus. I'm guessing it's the Kardassians |
| Janeway: | It's even worse. It's STUDENTS. |
| Kirk: | What do they want from us? |
| Picard: | Money would be my guess. We are a financial aid office after all. |
| Kirk: | When did that happen? |
| Janeway: | Read the job description, moron. |
| Cisco: | Now, now, we musn't lose our tempers, here. |
| Kirk: | Right. Decisive action. Bridge to Printing Services. Come in Printing. |
| Scotty: | Printing here, captain. |
| Kirk: | We need more paperwork now, Scotty. |
| Scotty: | I'm sorry captain, I'm pushing the printing press as fast as it'll go. She
could blow at any minute. |
| Kirk: | Well push it some more. We need paperwork to slow down the attack. |
| Worf: | Worf to Bridge. |
| Picard: | Go ahead, Lieutenant Worf. |
| Worf: | We've got a problem in communications. Our phone lines are being overloaded
by students asking about their loan checks. |
| Picard: | But I thought our system was designed to handle that. |
| Worf: | I don't know for sure, but I think they have speed re-dial and we just didn't
prepare for that kind of load. |
| Picard: | There must be something we can do about that. Geordi? |
| Geordi: | Well I could try to remodulate the voice mail and rout it around the main
switchboard. Then if we have the computer keep changing the resonance frequency
every few seconds, they'd just get a busy signal. But it's only a temporary fix. |
| Picard: | Make it so. |
| Cisco: | Odo, can you transform yourself and sneak out to check on the situation? |
| Odo: | I could try, but every time I go out there the art students try to make a sculpture
out of me on the quad. |
| Janeway: | Chakotay, what about the hologram. Maybe we could use that to fool the
students. |
| Chakotay: | The holo projector is down, Captain. I tried calling physical plant about
it, but they were busy putting in new heating and air conditioning in the theatre
box office. |
| Janeway: | Damn those theatre management students. (Quark enters) |
| Quark: | Can I interest anyone in some exotic drinks or nubile slaves? |
| Cisco: | QUARK! |
| Kirk: | Ya got any Saurian brandy? And those slaves -- any of 'em green? |
| Cisco: | QUARK! Off the bridge NOW! (Quark exits) |
| Riker: | Captain. Emergency on Deck 2 |
| Picard: | What is it, number one? |
| Riker: | The students are starting to break through. It's horrible. They're using
a secret weapon -- They're crying! The tears are weakening the shields and it's affecting
everyone. Deanna is in a coma. |
| Kirk: | Prepare to repel boarders! |
| Picard: | I think I'll lead an away team. |
| Cisco: | What good would that do? |
| Picard: | We always take an away team when there's trouble. And it gets me off the
bridge. I'm the Captain, and I've decided. I'll take an away team. There will
be no more discussion. |
| Cisco: | Oh, no. You're not the captain. I'm the captain and what I
say goes, and I
say: No Away Team. So there. |
| Janeway: | Calm down and sit down Cisco. |
| Cisco: | I can't sit down. I don't have a chair. Hey, why don't I have a command
chair? |
| Kirk: | First. You don't have a ship to command -- just a station. Second, you've
never really been in command. I'm the captain, here. |
| Janeway: | First of all, you're dead. And all three of you are a little out of touch.
I'm the only active captain here. |
| Picard: | Wait a minute. That's the solution! Obfuscation! |
| Kirk/ Cisco/ Janeway: | What? |
| Picard: | Data? |
| Geordi: | Obfuscate: to make indistinct or dark; to confuse or becloud |
| Picard: | You see, we'll ALL be the Captain. When someone first comes, I'll be in
charge, and I'll say, "Yes your money has been approved and as soon as it clears
the bank in a couple of weeks, you'll get a check. A couple of weeks later, when
they come back |
| Kirk: | (excited
) Then I'm in charge and I say that the bank messed up and it's got to be reprocessed.
Yes! It could work! |
| Cisco: | Then they come back and I say that the file was lost and they'll have to fill
out the forms again. |
| Janeway: | The next time they come, I say that the check arrived but it was for the
wrong amount or out of the wrong account and we're sending it back. |
| Cisco: | How long would this have to go on? |
| Picard: | By my calculations, just four years per student. At that point, we can tell
them that they have too many credits to receive finanical aid. |
| Janeway: | Four years is a long time. |
| Kirk: | Nonsense! I had a five year mission once. |
| Picard: | Yeah. A five year mission that only lasted two seasons. |
| Janeway: | Cut it out. The point is that our problem is solved. (Quark enters with drinks ) |
| Kirk: | Ah, the brandy! |
| Cisco: | A toast! What should we drink to? |
| Kirk: | Nubile slaves! (all stare at him
) |
| Janeway: | To the Federation |
| Picard: | To Financial Aid. (all stare at him
) May it never come. (all sigh, nod, and drink
) (blackout ) |
© 1994 Peter Guither.
| Back to Writings from Pete Guither's Brain |